As my cousin Chad would say, "Oy!"
A lot of people have recently asked me what is going on with the girls. I decided I should update with a blog because it's been weeks since I've taken the time to do so. It's not easy to sit down and put all my thoughts in writing because sometimes I just can't record what is going on. Either it would break confidentiality or I just can't form the right words. But I'll try my best.
We've been to the children's hospital a lot this summer. A lot. I've missed a lot of work and it hasn't been for fun. I was just telling a co-worker today that all the PTO I've been using may look to others like I'm relaxing and having a good break somewhere in the world. But in reality, I'm either sitting in a small hospital room for hours or I'm driving from back and forth from KC to Topeka for the girls' appointments.
To sum it up quickly, the girls are on track to becoming healthier (they have a long ways to go still) and they will more than likely move to a family member's home soon. I wish I could say everything that has been going on, but I still don't have all the answers. We've had scared of possible hospital stays and feeding tubes, but God has answered prayers and people are beginning to do the right thing, so I am confident the girls will be okay. We have two more upcoming hospital days and then I'll know where this road leads. This is why I always say, "Oy!"
So the other question people want to know is how am I handling all of this. My entire life I've approached the unknown with a casual attitude. I don't focus on what could happen, but rather what is happening right now. Right now I know I am focused on following the multitude of recommendations I get from different doctors each week. I'm focused on enjoying each weekend with my girls. I'm focused on learning new hairstyles and picking out cute outfits every morning. I'm focused on cheering for one baby each time she decides to practice walking...she's very wobbly, extremely hesitant, and hilarious to watch! Her total steps without falling over so far has reached FOUR! Lol!! The other baby could care a big fat less about walking.
What am I trying not to focus on? Exhaustion. I'm tired. I'm worn down and I'm ready for this ride to end. The day I lose my baby girls will be the worst day in my life. But I know it's going to happen. I've prepared myself multiple times and then something stops it from happening. But one of these days, very soon, it won't be stopped. Even though I'm dreading that day, I'm also looking forward to the day when I can finally breathe again. For so long I've felt like I'm suffocating on my emotions. The back and forth, the blame I get from their family, the court dates, the doctors, the case managers...I'm focused on the day when all of that disappears.
Then my focus will be on healing. I'm going to need a lot of time for healing.
But for now, I'm focused on finding answers. I'm focused on tiny steps. I'm focused on moisturizing, braids, and puffs. I'm focused on sweet kisses and snuggles. And most of all I'm focused on cherishing every moment I have with my two tiny babes.
