Saying Goodbye

Twelve hours ago the girls left my home and moved to live with their biological mother full time. This is a part of the foster world that we all know is bound to happen. But it doesn't mean knowing it will happen makes it easy to cope with.

In the weeks leading up to this day, I was preparing myself as best I could. I purged my living room of toys they were not giving much attention to in hopes I would get used to not tripping over their things. I cleaned out their closets and only left the clothing and shoes that would soon be packed in their bags. Their dresser contained just two polka dot baskets sitting on top filled with socks and hair bows for easy access. And as the diaper basket grew more empty, the closer today came.

Today I had a plan. The plan was to get up early and complete my own morning routine so I would be fully prepared for the girls to wake up. My mom would come over at breakfast and help feed and dress the girls. Then my dad would arrive for last minute pictures and play time before the white car arrived to load up their luggage. There would be giggles from the girls and lots of hugs and kisses. A few tears may be shed but nothing major. We knew this day was coming, we talked about this day many times, we were ready.

Today went as planned, almost.

Saying goodbye is never easy. No matter how much you pre-plan. The last time I experienced a heart breaking goodbye was when my grandpa left this world a few years ago. Soaking up every minute I had with him that last weekend I spent in Iowa was sort of like how I felt yesterday with the twins. Making sure you say "I love you" that one extra time, getting one last hug, and then another. Feeling like you got your chance to say goodbye and then wishing you could say it again. There's no worse feeling in the world.

Last night my clinical supervisor emailed me to see how I was doing the night before the big day. We started emailing back and forth and eventually I found myself curled up on my couch, face buried in my shirt, allowing myself to feel all those confusing emotions I'd been fighting for over the last year. By the time I went to bed I felt relief. Relief that I had that moment. Because crying now means I won't need to cry tomorrow. I can be strong for the girls. I can be strong for my parents. They'll need me to be strong. Both the girls, so they don't know any different...and my parents, because these are their grand babies. And their goodbye is just as hard as mine will be. So I will be okay, and like always, I can let a few tears fall and fight the rest until later.

A few minutes before the driver arrived, as my parents and the girls and I were sitting outside playing, one of my sisters pulled up. A huge lump formed in my throat. My family was coming together to say goodbye. More pictures were taken and we all ended up inside the house to wait. The more time passed, the more anxious I grew. And finally the car turned into my driveway. And those tears I thought I was rid of began to take shape.

My dad and the driver got the car packed and then I noticed an act of kindness so great and appreciated. The driver quietly walked up my drive, far from the car, giving my family the time we needed and never would have expected. The girls gave out hugs and kisses, not knowing they would be our last. I buckled one into her seat, with whisperings of all my love and expectations for her to be kind and good for her mother. I covered her in my kisses as tears found their way from my eyes. Then I repeated the same with my other sweet girl. My mom prayed through tears as I finished buckling her in and I gave both of my babies one last squeeze. We thanked the driver and he wished us well.

Just as he put the car in reverse I pressed my hands on the back window and waved at my beautiful babies. Their precious eyes looked back at me, certainly trusting they would see me in a few days, and then one waved with her tiny innocent hand. And I broke.

The burst of emotion that escaped my body came out as a sound I would never hope to experience again. As I fell into my dad's grasp, the gut-wrenching pain was something I could never describe. My babies were gone. They made me a momma. And they're gone.

I have spent the day feeling a loss I did not know would hurt so badly. Moments come and go where I lose my breath and feel tears in my eyes. My mom kept me busy shopping all morning but those moments hit me off and on. My uncle took me on a road trip this evening but everywhere I go reminds me of them. I took a nap with my nephew and it was wonderful. But holding him in my arms, curled up on the bed, tears burned my cheeks as I fought the waves that kept crashing around me.

I know I will need to grieve. I know not everyone will understand how difficult it is for a foster parent to let their children go. I know others will hold me up and are praying for me. Today is a hard day. It was expected, but it was not fun.

And through it all, I know with confidence that in the last 15 months I have learned a great deal as I have journeyed this path of foster parenting. My family has felt great joy and heart break. But they have joined me as I open my home to children in need. In my sadness and pain today, I know my God gave me a heart that will continue to grow large enough to love more children. The twins will always be my babies. They captured my love and in my heart they will always be.

A song we sing at church sticks in my head as I write this note. One thing will always remain.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
Cuz one thing, remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love.