Saying Goodbye

Twelve hours ago the girls left my home and moved to live with their biological mother full time. This is a part of the foster world that we all know is bound to happen. But it doesn't mean knowing it will happen makes it easy to cope with.

In the weeks leading up to this day, I was preparing myself as best I could. I purged my living room of toys they were not giving much attention to in hopes I would get used to not tripping over their things. I cleaned out their closets and only left the clothing and shoes that would soon be packed in their bags. Their dresser contained just two polka dot baskets sitting on top filled with socks and hair bows for easy access. And as the diaper basket grew more empty, the closer today came.

Today I had a plan. The plan was to get up early and complete my own morning routine so I would be fully prepared for the girls to wake up. My mom would come over at breakfast and help feed and dress the girls. Then my dad would arrive for last minute pictures and play time before the white car arrived to load up their luggage. There would be giggles from the girls and lots of hugs and kisses. A few tears may be shed but nothing major. We knew this day was coming, we talked about this day many times, we were ready.

Today went as planned, almost.

Saying goodbye is never easy. No matter how much you pre-plan. The last time I experienced a heart breaking goodbye was when my grandpa left this world a few years ago. Soaking up every minute I had with him that last weekend I spent in Iowa was sort of like how I felt yesterday with the twins. Making sure you say "I love you" that one extra time, getting one last hug, and then another. Feeling like you got your chance to say goodbye and then wishing you could say it again. There's no worse feeling in the world.

Last night my clinical supervisor emailed me to see how I was doing the night before the big day. We started emailing back and forth and eventually I found myself curled up on my couch, face buried in my shirt, allowing myself to feel all those confusing emotions I'd been fighting for over the last year. By the time I went to bed I felt relief. Relief that I had that moment. Because crying now means I won't need to cry tomorrow. I can be strong for the girls. I can be strong for my parents. They'll need me to be strong. Both the girls, so they don't know any different...and my parents, because these are their grand babies. And their goodbye is just as hard as mine will be. So I will be okay, and like always, I can let a few tears fall and fight the rest until later.

A few minutes before the driver arrived, as my parents and the girls and I were sitting outside playing, one of my sisters pulled up. A huge lump formed in my throat. My family was coming together to say goodbye. More pictures were taken and we all ended up inside the house to wait. The more time passed, the more anxious I grew. And finally the car turned into my driveway. And those tears I thought I was rid of began to take shape.

My dad and the driver got the car packed and then I noticed an act of kindness so great and appreciated. The driver quietly walked up my drive, far from the car, giving my family the time we needed and never would have expected. The girls gave out hugs and kisses, not knowing they would be our last. I buckled one into her seat, with whisperings of all my love and expectations for her to be kind and good for her mother. I covered her in my kisses as tears found their way from my eyes. Then I repeated the same with my other sweet girl. My mom prayed through tears as I finished buckling her in and I gave both of my babies one last squeeze. We thanked the driver and he wished us well.

Just as he put the car in reverse I pressed my hands on the back window and waved at my beautiful babies. Their precious eyes looked back at me, certainly trusting they would see me in a few days, and then one waved with her tiny innocent hand. And I broke.

The burst of emotion that escaped my body came out as a sound I would never hope to experience again. As I fell into my dad's grasp, the gut-wrenching pain was something I could never describe. My babies were gone. They made me a momma. And they're gone.

I have spent the day feeling a loss I did not know would hurt so badly. Moments come and go where I lose my breath and feel tears in my eyes. My mom kept me busy shopping all morning but those moments hit me off and on. My uncle took me on a road trip this evening but everywhere I go reminds me of them. I took a nap with my nephew and it was wonderful. But holding him in my arms, curled up on the bed, tears burned my cheeks as I fought the waves that kept crashing around me.

I know I will need to grieve. I know not everyone will understand how difficult it is for a foster parent to let their children go. I know others will hold me up and are praying for me. Today is a hard day. It was expected, but it was not fun.

And through it all, I know with confidence that in the last 15 months I have learned a great deal as I have journeyed this path of foster parenting. My family has felt great joy and heart break. But they have joined me as I open my home to children in need. In my sadness and pain today, I know my God gave me a heart that will continue to grow large enough to love more children. The twins will always be my babies. They captured my love and in my heart they will always be.

A song we sing at church sticks in my head as I write this note. One thing will always remain.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
Cuz one thing, remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love.

A Crashing Wave

Driving to work this morning I experienced one of those quick-thinking parental instincts. Big sister sneezed and blew a snot rocket all over her face. It was one of those moments when panic sets in. I searched quickly for something, anything, that would soak up the mess. I had NOTHING. Immediately, I began rifling through problem solving skills in my head. Pull over? That won't help. Go back home? That'll take too long. Use the wadded up receipt tucked under the floor mat? Probably not the best option. Gas station!! I could see it ahead of us just a few blocks. But wait, it would be incredibly time consuming and challenging to get both girls out of their car seats, walk them into the store, back to the bathroom, and then use toilet paper. All that snot would most likely be all over my work pants or her new outfit at that point. I can't leave them in the car and run inside to buy a box of Kleenex...Lord knows I'd get turned into the state child protection services. And seeing a how I work for them, I'm sure I'd lose my job.

Then it hits me. As I turn into the gas station, I pull up right next to a pump and see the paper towels from the window washer buckets flapping in the breeze. Perfect! I swipe one, reach back and clean her face, and toss the towel on the back floorboard as I step on the gas. A 30 second detour and we made it to daycare on time.

Now, that's a picture of my brain during this 5 minute episode. What drivers around me and what my girls could see and hear was a totally different experience. I'm sure Sister kept putting her fingers up to her face because she was doing some research. She was researching "what sound momma makes when my fingers get close to this goop on my upper lip." And the drivers around me were probably wondering if they should stop and offer medical assistance. Here's what my person looked and sounded like: "Ew! That's so yucky! <cough> No! Don't touch it! <gag> Ew! No! Put your hand down! No! <dry heave> Sister no! Don't touch! <gagging dry heave>" as my head was whipping back and forth from watching the road to watching those tiny fingers smear that goopy, thick mess down onto her lips and over onto her cheek...with a huge toothy grin growing on her face the entire time. Ugh!

Once we reached daycare, life was back to normal and my stomach was back in it's original setting. We have a little routine we go through when I drop them off and then I escape while they get distracted with breakfast. Today, when I got back in my car I took a quick minute to check Facebook. The first status that popped up reminded me that today my childhood friends, who are also foster parents, would be facing a very difficult day of telling the children goodbye that have been in their home for a very long time. I sent my friends a text and then began my drive to work. I only made it a few blocks before it hit me.

A crashing wave. It hits every once in a while, when you least expect it. The world around you disappears and you don't know up from down. All of your breath gets knocked out of you and you feel as though you're suffocating. The sounds coming out of your body are unrecognizable. When your chest finally opens up, and you suck in air like its the first time you've tasted oxygen, the wave crashes over you again. I've met this wave a few times over the last several months. Sometimes it's just as I'm falling asleep in a very quiet, dark house. Sometimes it's when I'm relaxing on the couch after they're tucked in bed. Sometimes its when I'm sitting in my office. Today, as always, it was least expected. It came with the heavy emotions I was feeling for my friends. Knowing their hurt. Knowing their sadness. It's such a bitter sweet process, telling your foster children goodbye, and it's never easy. I will experience it in a few weeks, and I can hardly breathe when I think about it. Knowing today was their day, reminded me that my day is closer than I realize. When I drop the girls off at daycare or load them into a car that takes them to visit their family, I give them kisses and know I will see them soon. In a few weeks, I will give them kisses and face the reality that I will never see them again. I expect a typhoon to hit. I don't know when, but I know it will.

For now, I will pray for my friends that are hurting. I will find the pride in those quick-thinking moments of parenthood. And I will wipe those gag-inducing little noses.

Looking For Answers

As my cousin Chad would say, "Oy!"

A lot of people have recently asked me what is going on with the girls. I decided I should update with a blog because it's been weeks since I've taken the time to do so. It's not easy to sit down and put all my thoughts in writing because sometimes I just can't record what is going on. Either it would break confidentiality or I just can't form the right words. But I'll try my best.

We've been to the children's hospital a lot this summer. A lot. I've missed a lot of work and it hasn't been for fun. I was just telling a co-worker today that all the PTO I've been using may look to others like I'm relaxing and having a good break somewhere in the world. But in reality, I'm either sitting in a small hospital room for hours or I'm driving from back and forth from KC to Topeka for the girls' appointments.

To sum it up quickly, the girls are on track to becoming healthier (they have a long ways to go still) and they will more than likely move to a family member's home soon. I wish I could say everything that has been going on, but I still don't have all the answers. We've had scared of possible hospital stays and feeding tubes, but God has answered prayers and people are beginning to do the right thing, so I am confident the girls will be okay. We have two more upcoming hospital days and then I'll know where this road leads. This is why I always say, "Oy!"

So the other question people want to know is how am I handling all of this. My entire life I've approached the unknown with a casual attitude. I don't focus on what could happen, but rather what is happening right now. Right now I know I am focused on following the multitude of recommendations I get from different doctors each week. I'm focused on enjoying each weekend with my girls. I'm focused on learning new hairstyles and picking out cute outfits every morning. I'm focused on cheering for one baby each time she decides to practice walking...she's very wobbly, extremely hesitant, and hilarious to watch! Her total steps without falling over so far has reached FOUR! Lol!! The other baby could care a big fat less about walking.

What am I trying not to focus on? Exhaustion. I'm tired. I'm worn down and I'm ready for this ride to end. The day I lose my baby girls will be the worst day in my life. But I know it's going to happen. I've prepared myself multiple times and then something stops it from happening. But one of these days, very soon, it won't be stopped. Even though I'm dreading that day, I'm also looking forward to the day when I can finally breathe again. For so long I've felt like I'm suffocating on my emotions. The back and forth, the blame I get from their family, the court dates, the doctors, the case managers...I'm focused on the day when all of that disappears.

Then my focus will be on healing. I'm going to need a lot of time for healing.

But for now, I'm focused on finding answers. I'm focused on tiny steps. I'm focused on moisturizing, braids, and puffs. I'm focused on sweet kisses and snuggles. And most of all I'm focused on cherishing every moment I have with my two tiny babes.

01:15:00

One hour and fifteen minutes. That's how much time it takes to drive from my house to the children's hospital nearest us. We've traveled that way just a few times in the last year. Only when absolutely necessary. Most of our appointments are with doctors in Topeka. As the girls have aged, their deficits have become more pronounced. Which means we'll have more opportunities to make that drive.

One hour and fifteen minutes is plenty of time to make a list. So that's what I do. Today I made a list. One of the girls has chronic ear and respiratory infections. So today we traveled to the children's hospital to see a specialist. While I drove, I made my list. My list of questions for the doctor, for the case manager, and for God. Questions for the doctor included a lot of Whys. Questions for the case manager included a lot of What-are-we-gonna-do-about---. Questions for God included a lot of What Ifs. Once I had a solid list, I took a deep breath. The anxious feelings swelling in my gut were too confusing to deal with, so I did what I could. I prayed.

One hour and fifteen minutes is a lot of time to pray. I prayed for the girls. I prayed for the innocent, not-feeling-so-good little one sitting behind me. I prayed for their biological mom. I prayed for their family member that is still trying to get them. I prayed for my family. I prayed for my friend, whose little girl is having surgery later this week. And then I prayed for my heart. My heart that doesn't allow for any feelings around the unknown future of our case. Because allowing any feelings would only result in breakage.

Once we arrived at the hospital and saw the specialist, we got some answers. Not all my questions were answered, but some. Next Monday we go back. On that day, both girls will see another specialist. That time it'll be for more tests. These girls have been poked and prodded so many times, but my hope and prayer is that we will gain more answers next Monday. The good news, the girls are using their legs! They both stand at furniture, and one decided to show off last weekend and let go, and is now walking behind a ladybug rider toy. They eat really well but continue to not gain and lose weight. They're 18 months, wearing 9 month clothes and infant size 2 shoes. And they have mouths full of teeth that are too big for their tiny, beautiful faces! One says "Mom, Mom, Mom" over and over and over and over and over, no matter how many times I say "what?" while the other one disappears in the house like a silent ninja. They both giggle so hard they fall over. And their hair continues to grow puffier! The bad news, the specialist today answered questions about their care while on visits with their bio family that I didn't like hearing. After leaving the hospital I was able to get my mind off some of these answers while visiting a friend. And then I had phone conversations with my parents. And then began the drive home.

One hour and fifteen minutes home. Plenty of time to think. It was pouring rain on our drive home. The radio in my car wouldn't pick up a signal. So I listened. I listened to the raspy breaths of a sleeping baby behind me. And I got mad. The thought of a parent not doing everything in their power to keep their child safe and healthy angers me. As a therapist, I do an exercise with kids I work with. We blow up balloons. Red balloons. Red equals the color of anger. The size of the balloon equals how much anger you're feeling in your body. Small balloons equal marginal anger, or the feeling of being mad. As the balloons get bigger, we identify different stages of anger feelings. If I were to blow up a red balloon in my car today, it would have exploded. The list of questions for God I had made earlier in the day began to consume me. I wasn't just angry at the girls' bio family. I was angry at Him. Not just for the girls' sake, but for mine. For putting me in this place. For opening doors I now wanted to slam shut in His face. For breaking my heart.

What if I can't stop the girls from moving to another state? What if I can't control where their tiny feet go? What if I can't protect their small, delicate hands from being pulled into harms way? What if they move out of my home, leaving me broken?

One hour and fifteen minutes. Driving through rain. Through tears. And then it stopped. The radio found a station. I could hear her sleeping behind me again. She was safe. And I was reminded of His great love and the peace I have for God's will in my life. This is what played:
        When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "It is well, it is well with my soul." Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blessed assurance control; that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and has shed his own blood for my soul. "It is well, it is well with my soul." Oh Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend; even so, it is well with my soul.

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Mother's Day. Every year this is the day I spend focusing on my mom. In the days leading up to tomorrow, I would normally buy a gift for my mom and plan a lunch with my sisters to honor our mom. It's a day I've never celebrated for myself. A day I've wished were mine to celebrate. Every year I've sat in church and clapped for the Mothers as they stand and are recognized for their greatest accomplishments. I've watched Mothers accept flowers or small gifts from those they love. I've watched Mothers on this day through eyes yearning to be "just like them."

As I gave the girls their usual Saturday evening bath tonight, I realized tomorrow is My Day. Mother's Day! A day I finally get to celebrate for myself. It's surreal. The girls were crawling around after their bath being silly, as usual, and repeatedly hollering "Momma!" I am their momma. I love them more than I could ever imagine loving two little bitty humans.

They give kisses now. They're pulling themselves up to furniture and toys. They're gaining weight (barely!). They're walking their stiff-legged walk with help of anyone that will be patient with them. If you don't mind turtling it from one place to the next they'll hold both your hands and giggle while they practice their walking skills. One has this new move she constantly does, it's like she's making a bridge with her body, standing bent over with her feet and hands on the ground while looking upside down through her legs. She cracks herself up and makes everyone in the room laugh. The other one sings sweet songs to you if you sit quietly and listen--but be warned, she will sing long songs, all in the same tone, using one syllable. They're changing so much, every day, and growing up so quickly. They're still my teeny tiny girls, but they have huge personalities.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate being their mom. I won't get flowers from a husband. I won't get a card. I won't be spoiled for a day. But I'll know I'm a mom. I'll look at my beautiful twins and see all their accomplishments. I'll stand in church and not have to wonder when it's my turn. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Tomorrow is My Day.

The Red Book

When I was preparing for the girls to move to their family member's home, I had to organize a notebook. A notebook of all their personal details. Doctor visits, prescription medications, TARC evaluations, schedules, and anything else I have documented about them while they've lived in my home. Both girls have books. They are referred to as Red Books. They get their descriptive title from their color.

While going through all their paperwork, the book begins to take on it's own life. It reminds me of one of those flip books you make as a kid. As you flip through the drawings the book comes to life. As you flip through the pages of a Red Book, a child's life flashes before your eyes.

So what would you see in the twins' Red Books? Here's a quick peek:
Doctor office visits: 27
Prescription medications: 39
ER visits: 2
Blood Lab Visits: 7
Specialty Doctor Visits: 1
TARC sessions: 11
Court dates: 3
Case meetings: 4
I also have more than 250 pictures of each of the girls for their family to keep. I've documented most of their life in pictures so their family doesn't feel left out of their childhood.

When I look through their Red Books I see all the heartaches we've had. The constant illness we always fight and the court and meetings I've endured. But I also see the exciting days we've shared. And the people that have loved on my girls with me.

I see all those doctor visits, hospital visits, and lab visits. And I see our pediatrician and nurse that have become friends. That call me just to check on the girls when we haven't been to the office in a few weeks. That pretend they're going to help me hide the girls so they can't leave my home. That greet us at the door when we arrive for appointments and take a carrier from me because I probably look like I'm about to pass out. I also see the head nurse at the ER that recognizes our names because we've spent so much time there and in the lab department. That's the nurse that comes to find me when she sees we've checked in, just to see the girls and say Hi to me. And bumps us up on the list of patients so we don't have to wait so long. I also see our TARC team. The ladies that come to my home and always tell me I'm a good mom. The therapists that show me new ways of helping the girls develop those pesky large motor skills. Our Sabra. She's our number one TARC friend. I can never say enough good things about her. If you ever receive services from TARC, make sure you ask for Sabra!

For a very long time their Red Books would show the girls' deficits. Their delays in development. Their health issues. Their lack of weight gain and growth. And the long road they seemed to have ahead of them when they first moved into my home. And now, now their books reflect all our exciting changes. When it seemed they would never simply roll over. Or swallow without choking. I've learned how incredibly difficult it is for a child to grow and develop. I've also learned how incredibly exciting it is to watch a child grow and develop.

They never develop at the same time, but if one does something new the other one soon follows. The first time they rolled over. When they sat without falling over. Their first tooth. Crawling! Gaining an ounce is always a huge party at the doctor's office. And now they're putting weight on their legs and standing with help. I'm always asked how old they are because both of their petite 16 pound bodies make them look much younger than they are. And when strangers assume they can walk, based on their age, and set them on their feet and let their hands go. Noooo!!! Cue the slow-mo action movie clip as I dive to their rescue before they face plant.

They've got it rough sometimes. And it's unfortunately due to poor choices prior to their birth. But I love these little girls. And I'll continue to spend my days in doctor offices and not-so-fun meetings for them. Getting to be a small part of their life is worth it. Getting to celebrate the developmental milestones is worth it. Getting to watch them grow and share the joy they bring me is worth every documented event in their Red Books.

Court

The first time I had to appear in court to advocate for a client I was terrified. My voice shook. My legs were shaking so hard that my colleague later said she could see my skirt trembling. My palms were sweaty. I couldn't catch my breath.

Since then I've appeared in court too many times to count. I actually enjoy testifying. I like being able to present a parent or child in a positive light. It's invigorating to give someone a voice that has been knocked down repeatedly. To have your client hug you and cry happy tears when their case is dismissed based on your testimony. It's rewarding.

But there's also the days in court that aren't so great. The days when you wish you could melt into the wooden bench you're sitting on. The cases you have to present when your testimony creates a negative result for parents or children you are supposed to be advocating for. And there's that door. The big, dark door in the corner of the courtroom that no one notices. No one mentions it. No one looks at it. No one knows why it's there. Until that day. That day it opens. And you sit, wishing to melt into the bench, as you watch the child you've been advocating for walk through it. Only they're not really walking. More like shuffling. The silence of the room is overtaken by the sound of the metal shackles around this child's ankles. You can't help but stare at the stripes. Those wide black and white stripes on the oversized pants and shirt that swallow that child. Sometimes the oversized clothes are orange, or red, or brown. But they all mean the same thing. That child wearing those clothes pulls on your heartstrings because you fought so hard to keep them at home. That child that lied to you, manipulated you, and broke your heart. But not on purpose. How could that child know better? After the life that was handed to to them, how can they know better? They've been taught to lie, steal, and cheat to survive. All the sudden that child makes eye contact with you. And then you see it. The quick wave of that small hand. The hands that are wrapped in heavy, metal bracelets.

Appearing in court is something I've become accustomed to for my job. It's a totally different story as a foster parent. You never know what to expect on this side. This week, I appeared in court for my twins. I thought I was going to sit in the back of the room, keep the girls quiet, and leave the court house child-less. That didn't happen. I won't reveal too many details. But I will tell you I felt verbally attacked, confused, frustrated, angry, and full of joy. All at the same time. I won't lie--at one point I was in an elevator with one baby in my arms, one baby in the stroller, their case manager apologizing all over me for the things I had to witness, and her supervisor wrapping her arm around me while tears poured down my cheeks. I left the court house with my girls. That's all that mattered in the end. I don't know how much longer I will have them. But I have them.

The hardest part of fostering is the unknown. Not knowing when you may get that phone call that your children are moving to a family member or to their birth parent's home. Not knowing if the bags you packed will need to be unpacked due to unforeseen circumstances. But for now, I know I still have my little family. And that's all I need.

Rollercoasters

Not ten minutes after I wrote my last blog about packing the girls' bags I got unexpected news. An email came that changed my lack of hope into an overwhelming feeling of happiness and confusion. It was an email I was praying for. An email I never thought would come.

30 days ago I received an email I was not ready for. The girls' case manager sent me a "30 Day Notice to Move." The girls' move was set into motion so they could be placed with a family member in another state. There were a lot of thoughts and questions and raw emotion that came with that news. Thoughts like "I knew this would happen some day." "All kids should be with their family." "I hope the girls will be safe and loved." Questions started entering my mind like "Why now? After a year? Why didn't this family member come around a year ago? " "Will the girls forget me?" "Will I see the girls again?" "Is this really best for them?" And then came the emotions: sadness, anger, frustration, confusion.

Over the last 30 days I had attempted to set up a get-together with the birth mother and the family member that will be placement. The birth mother sent texts thanking me for all I'd done. She told me how important I'd been to her and the girls. She said she knew continued contact would be needed because the girls would miss me. In all of my attempts to get together, I was always turned down with unexplained reasons. And then one week before the girls' final day with me I got another email from the case manager. That email was devastating. More devastating than the notice to move. This time I was told the birth mother and family member were playing me. While telling me they wanted continued contact, they were telling the case manager they were going to cut off contact with me as soon as the girls were in their possession.

I love rollercoasters. I live for adventure. I love the feeling of being out of control and having to trust I won't die. The faster the better. The more spirals, loops, and upside down turns make the ride more thrilling. Even the ones that go backwards and coasters where your legs dangle free. I love them! But riding a rollercoaster in a place created for fun and adventure is totally different than riding an emotional rollercoaster. I hate the latter. The last eight months have been a rollercoaster. The last 30 days have been been like that old, rickety, wooden rollercoaster that you can't wait to get off. Your head hurts, your body aches, you're exhausted, dizzy, ready to puke, and you're not 100% sure you're going to survive the ride.

The email that came yesterday was like the unexpected drop toward the end of the ride. That drop that comes just when you think the ride is slowing down and you're about to finally see the exit. The case manager's supervisor emailed this time. And the message made my head spin. I still don't have any answers or information for why, but the supervisor was asking if the girls could continue to come to my home. She asked if they could spend the weekends with me. She didn't know how long this would be or what it will look like. But she wanted to know if we could start right away.

I can't put into words how I felt. I had to read that email over and over and over. The sobs and tears and convulsions that overtook my body in that moment are somewhat embarrassing to think about! FINALLY!! Finally, someone is listening. Someone is paying attention to the girls' best interests. Even if for just one more weekend, I can be sure the girls are safe.

I sent a text to my family. They immediately responded. My mom called because she was driving and couldn't keep up with the texts. I answered the phone through tears, "Mom, I don't know what happened, but the girls aren't leaving yet. They're coming back home next weekend." I heard my mom sobbing and trying to exclaim, " Oh Anna! Oh Anna! I've been praying so hard for something, anything!" We both continued to do that awkward cry and laugh and yell with excitement through the phone. She was just a few blocks from my house and came right over. In the middle of it all my dad was texting about all the "creative" ways he was coming up with for how we could keep them even longer. My sisters were asking questions. It was seriously one of the most exciting, confusing, and joy-filled moment of this entire journey.

So now I sit here writing a post about the unknown of our future. Instead of the post I had planned to write about how we were spending our last 48 hours together. At some point during the ride, you start looking for the end of the rails because you're ready to get off. This has been the longest rollercoaster of my life. But I'm not ready to get off. Not yet. I expect a few more loops and turns on this ride. But I'm buckled in and I'm trusting I will survive.

Two Black Bags

Yesterday I spent the day packing. Packing two little lives into two black bags. The bags now sit next to my front door, staring me in the face. Sadness sweeps over me when I look at them. Two bags represent two lives. Two very young lives. Lives that have been shuffled from one home to another. No stability. No consistency.

Can you imagine fitting all your possessions in a bag? I look around my house and my view is changed. But this is reality for children in foster care. They move from place to place with a big black trash bag of their items. Their only possessions. This is their life. Their norm.

In their bag is clothing, toys, shoes, hair bows, socks, books, and blankets. They are 15 months old. They have moved four times--their birth mom's home, a previous foster home, my home, and now they are moving to their family member's home. Each time they take a big black bag. Strike that. When they came to my home they came with nothing. They only had the clothes on their backs. At least now they have something, right?

Just another pain in my heart that comes with fostering. When I go to work each day, I see the big bags sitting in our office hallway. I work for a foster care agency so I see kids move from place to place on a daily basis. I see the bags following kids. I see the kids without bags, longing for just one bag to call theirs. And I think of all the bags my house would fill. It's sickening.

While I continue to pack their things this weekend, it will be difficult. A little difficult because I have two little bodies crawling through the neatly folded piles of clothes. And climbing into my lap when I sit down to re-fold them. But more difficult because I have to put them into a bag. A bag that should not resemble the life these babies have lived. They're too young to remember me as they grow older. I just hope they're too young to remember these two big black bags.

Faith. Family. Friends.

My brain is full of blogs but we’ve been too busy to stop and jot them down. The last several days have been filled with family. Trying to soak up every minute we have with the girls can be exhausting! We spent the weekend at my sister’s (near Wichita) so they could say their goodbyes. My sister and her husband have four children and another on the way. They welcomed the twins as cousins without a second thought. Every opportunity any of them had to hold the girls was argued over. Every bottle was “dibbed” before I even got a chance to feed them. I don’t even think their little legs touched the ground whenever my nieces and nephew were around.

We also spend a lot of time with my other sister’s family (in Topeka). She and her husband have three children. The oldest walks into the room and you can hear Immediate giggles coming from the twins. I have to give my brother in law credit for his constant work with one of the girls to get her to crawl. She was the first of the two to crawl and I think it’s only because he wouldn’t let her give up.

My parents. I can’t say enough about grandma and grandpa. They were the ones getting me out of babysitting jams when I had to work late. They were the ones calling almost daily to check on the girls. When I got the flu, they showed up and towed us to their house so I could sleep while they spoiled the girls. When one of the babies swelled up like a beach ball, they raced to the ER so I wasn’t alone. When the twins got the flu at the same time, they turned their house into a contamination bubble so I didn’t go crazy. They shared my frustration whenever it seemed the system was failing the girls. They shared my tears when I found out the girls would leave my home. They never gave anyone an inkling that these two babies were any less than their own grandchildren. My two favorite things: hearing the girls and their grandpa crack up at each other when I’m in another room; watching the girls raise their arms and scream at the top of their lungs when their grandma walks through the door.

My aunts and uncles, my cousins, and my grandma. They all came to visit the girls. We travelled to visit all of them. We were showered with gifts and love; some gifts were a little less appreciated (all that Iowa State stuff!). Everyone in my family accepted the girls as mine. And theirs.

My friends have gathered around me and shown their acceptance of the girls as my family. They don’t ask me to find a babysitter every weekend. They tell me to “bring them along!” They listen when I need to vent about the recent court decisions. They cry with me. They laugh with me. They sit with me when I feel confused and broken. I have to give my friends credit for encouraging baby number two to crawl. And the sheer excitement and cheers that broke out in the room when she finally moved those little legs! My friends know when to call and or when to just let me be. They know when I need encouragement or just a simple hug without words. And they treat me and my girls like a normal family, no questions asked.

There are a lot of people that will have to say goodbye to my girls. There are a lot of people that have been a huge part in my raising of the girls. There are a lot of people that will miss them. The hardest part of learning the girls would leave my home was the thought that I’d have to tell all my friends and family the news.

I was given a 30 day notice when their family member was given the green light to take the girls. I spent the first two weeks only telling my parents, my sister’s families, my extended family, and a few close friends. I didn’t know how to tell everyone else. I didn’t know when to tell everyone else. Heck, I just called my grandma two days ago because I couldn’t bear the emotions of telling her! (don’t worry, my dad had told her long before that) The day I decided to tell my church family was tough. I knew it would be. I dreaded it. These are the people that have loved and supported me for 30 years. These are the people that have watched me grow up. These are the people that shared my family’s excitement when I finally got the “mom card.” These are the people that crowd the nursery every Sunday morning so they can pass the girls around. 

For some reason, this was the hardest group of people to tell. Maybe it’s because I knew it would be announced on stage during the prayer. Maybe it’s because hearing it out loud made it a reality. All I know is when the announcement was made, I heard the blare of the bus horn as it ran me over. You know when you’re watching a sad movie in the theater and you hold your breath to attempt to keep from unleashing those embarrassing sobs and uncontrollable sounds coming from your gut? Yep. That happened. Only I think I kept the noises to a minimum. Just when I thought I was in control, I felt a hand on my shoulder. My darn brother in law! And as I felt my chest tighten and my breathing stop, I caught both he and my sister wiping their eyes. Dang it!

I stop myself from getting too sad. I stop myself from crying too hard. I know it’s bound to happen at some point. I won’t be able to stop myself every time. But I’ve been raised to know, without a doubt, that I am doing the job I was made to do. I am caring for His children. I am teaching His children. I am being used to do things beyond my strength, because it’s only by His strength I can survive this. He has given me the courage to choose foster care. He has created my heart for loving and protecting these children. He has guided my every decision and He has led me on this journey. I will continue to do His work until I hear Him say, “Well done.”

This last week with my girls will without a doubt be the hardest week of my life. But I have what I need to get me thought it. My family. My friends. My faith.

Why?

A big question I get asked is “Why foster care?” To tell you the truth, I never imagined I would be a foster parent. This certainly was not part of my 10 year plan when I was in undergrad. It wasn’t even part of my 5 year plan when I was in graduate school.

A quick timeline of my life: I graduated college in 2003 and became a Children’s Minister. After serving in a church for 10 years (12 if you count internships) I realized I was not serving people to my fullest capacity so I became a therapist. While getting my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy I worked in a child abuse agency and my eyes were opened to trauma children face and how they cope with it. In 2013 I began working as a therapist for children and their families in the foster care system.

After undergrad, I didn’t date much, if at all. In my early 20′s I began telling my family “if I’m single when I’m 35, I’m going to adopt.” You see, my entire life I’ve dreamt of the marriage and the children and the stay at home mom job. When I was in high school my family always joked that I’d be the first of my sisters to marry and end up with ten kids. That was just me. It still is. But my life looks a little different now. I still want the marriage, but I’m scared of it. I still want the kids, but maybe just two. I haven’t given up on my dreams, they just look different.

The idea of becoming a foster parent came about when I was at work a year ago and my boss said “you would be a great foster mom.” A few weeks later I enrolled in licensure classes and a few months after that I was licensed. I’ve wanted to have my own children, whether birthed or adopted, for years. Fostering seemed to be a good way of practicing. It would not only provide me with someone to care for and protect, it would give children someone to care for and protect them. The falling in love part wasn’t expected.

Children make wishes and fantasize and use their imagination to create great things. They don’t wish for their parents to abandon them or choose unhealthy vices over them. They don’t fantasize about how many different strangers they’ll live with over a lifetime. They don’t use their imagination to create the trauma and terror that comes with being stripped from their parents. If I can do one thing with my life, I hope I do this foster thing right. I hope the children I care for and protect feel loved.

So I don’t think the question should be “Why?” I think it’s actually “Why not?”

All That Hair!

“Look at all that hair!” That’s what I hear over and over when we run into people curious enough to peek inside their carriers. The first thing everyone sees is two tiny bodies overtaken by huge puffs on top of their heads. Dark, tiny spirals that are nearly impossible to manage. Their hair is like a people magnet and we can’t make it through Walmart, Target, Dillons or the mall without being stopped and oogled at.

You can’t imagine the things I find stuck in their hair throughout the day! And the products…oh the products! I have every kind of product you can think of–shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner, oils, detanglers, creams, styling milk, co-conditioner, pudding, coconut spray, grease, wax, and the list goes on and on. Learning how to keep their hair conditioned and protected is definitely a skill one has to learn. I have friends gracious enough to advise me and share styling tips. I even bought a book for vanilla moms to care for chocolate hair…the girls do NOT like me messing with their hair so I never got a chance to practice the cute braids and twists the author made look so easy to try. So headbands and flower barrettes always win.

For the most part, I always get fun reactions from strangers wanting to ask all about the girls or just wanting to touch their hair or say Hi to them. But sometimes we get not-so-welcomed reactions. And this momma bear don’t like that! I always manage to keep my mouth shut and just smile, but there have been times I wanted to scratch that lady’s eyes out! Yes, we look different. Yes, I am out-numbered. Yes, you’re correct that I’m not wearing a gold band on my finger. Do those questions really give you the right to turn your nose up at me? Narrow your eyes at my beautiful babies? Walk past us with your judgy assumptions? No. Absolutely not.

Probably one of the most difficult parts of fostering is not having physical similarities to your children. I’ll never get the “they look so much like you!” But that’s okay. Because in my heart they are mine. In my heart we are exactly alike. And in my heart they will always be.

I am so incredibly in love with my girls! I love their skinny little feet. I love their dimples when they smile sweetly at me. I love their two little bottom teeth sticking up like they don’t quite fit right in their tiny mouths. I love their noises and squeals when we sing “Row row row your boat.” I love their tiny hands that fit so perfectly in mine. And I love their hair…all that hair!

Double The Love

Seven months ago I became a mom for the first time. In two weeks I will give up that title. Not by choice. Not by force. It comes with the job. It’s the one requirement of the job that I wasn’t sure I could handle. And I’m still not sure I can handle it. As a matter of fact, it’s inevitable that I cannot handle it. But it’s going to happen. And this is how I’ve decided to process the loss I am facing.

Seven months ago I was told I should write a blog. I laughed at the idea, thinking I would never have the right words for someone else to be interested in reading. When I’ve thought about writing down my experiences I’ve distracted myself from doing it because I never thought I had enough time. Today I’m making time. And I hope to continue to make time over the next two weeks. Maybe even longer. But for now, whether someone else reads this blog or not, I will write about my experiences in order to share about the loss I am facing.

Seven months ago I started a new job. The job of fostering. I became a foster parent and my heart was not opened to one child, but two. Two girls. Twin six month olds. When I got the call asking if I would open my home to twin infants, it was unexpected. When I finally laid eyes on them, it was love at first sight. They made me a mom. And they are the loss I am facing.

Seven months ago I became a licensed foster parent with the understanding that I would love and care for children, grow attached to them, and one day they would be returned to their birth family. This won’t be a blog about the children I accept into my home, it will be a blog where I share how I feel and what I think about the world of foster parenting. I may tell stories or bore the person reading my blog with details of my day, but I will not give away the names or history of any child in my home. You will not see pictures of the children in my home. I will tell readers how exhausted, frustrated, confused, angry, and sad I may be. I will also tell you how happy, joyful, thankful, and fulfilled I am.

Seven months ago my life was changed. My heart’s desire to be a mom was fulfilled. My fear of being alone was conquered. My house was taken over by toys and high chairs and baby cribs. My clothes became a drop cloth for food and snot. My hair took a backseat to being washed every day and my appetite was suppressed due to making sure two other little mouths were fed at a decent time. Two little mouths that smile. Two little mouths that giggle. Two little mouths that love little kisses. This is my story of how I became a mom to twin six month olds and how I will tell them goodbye in two short weeks.

Twins…double the love.