Double The Love

Seven months ago I became a mom for the first time. In two weeks I will give up that title. Not by choice. Not by force. It comes with the job. It’s the one requirement of the job that I wasn’t sure I could handle. And I’m still not sure I can handle it. As a matter of fact, it’s inevitable that I cannot handle it. But it’s going to happen. And this is how I’ve decided to process the loss I am facing.

Seven months ago I was told I should write a blog. I laughed at the idea, thinking I would never have the right words for someone else to be interested in reading. When I’ve thought about writing down my experiences I’ve distracted myself from doing it because I never thought I had enough time. Today I’m making time. And I hope to continue to make time over the next two weeks. Maybe even longer. But for now, whether someone else reads this blog or not, I will write about my experiences in order to share about the loss I am facing.

Seven months ago I started a new job. The job of fostering. I became a foster parent and my heart was not opened to one child, but two. Two girls. Twin six month olds. When I got the call asking if I would open my home to twin infants, it was unexpected. When I finally laid eyes on them, it was love at first sight. They made me a mom. And they are the loss I am facing.

Seven months ago I became a licensed foster parent with the understanding that I would love and care for children, grow attached to them, and one day they would be returned to their birth family. This won’t be a blog about the children I accept into my home, it will be a blog where I share how I feel and what I think about the world of foster parenting. I may tell stories or bore the person reading my blog with details of my day, but I will not give away the names or history of any child in my home. You will not see pictures of the children in my home. I will tell readers how exhausted, frustrated, confused, angry, and sad I may be. I will also tell you how happy, joyful, thankful, and fulfilled I am.

Seven months ago my life was changed. My heart’s desire to be a mom was fulfilled. My fear of being alone was conquered. My house was taken over by toys and high chairs and baby cribs. My clothes became a drop cloth for food and snot. My hair took a backseat to being washed every day and my appetite was suppressed due to making sure two other little mouths were fed at a decent time. Two little mouths that smile. Two little mouths that giggle. Two little mouths that love little kisses. This is my story of how I became a mom to twin six month olds and how I will tell them goodbye in two short weeks.

Twins…double the love.